Abiding

 

I could just sit
I could just sit and wait for all Your goodness
Hope to feel Your presence
And I could just stay
I could just stay right where I am and hope to feel You
Hope to feel something again

And I could hold on
I could hold on to who I am and never let You
Change me from the inside
And I could be safe
I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home
Never let these walls down

But You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I’ll go where You will lead me Lord

– Called Higher by All Sons & Daughters

 

If by chance you ever randomly notice my Spotify feed you will notice a  couple of things. 1)My boys use my account more than me (which explains all the 80’s metal and Weird Al,)  and 2) When I do use it, I tend to play the song  Called Me Higher a lot.  A whole lot. .
In fact I love this song so much that I have probably blogged about it before, but I am too worn out and lazy to go back and look. So I here I am, referencing it again.

The song to me sums up exactly where I am – and where I have been for a while now.

And it sums up what it means to Abide in Christ.

I can’t remember if I chose a word for the year – or if a word chose me- but regardless, hands down, the clear winner of the words for me this year is ABIDE.

Abide has been my word for 2014, through thick and thin. Time and time again it comes to me – in the midst of confusion, and panic, and those moments that you swear will never end.

I don’t know what this word means to you or what images it brings to your mind, but to me, for some time now, Abide has meant these things to me:

It has meant

Staying – not running.

Waiting – not rushing.

Trusting – not trying to quick-fix things – not forcing.

Being before doing.

Feeling all the feelings – not trying to numb or escape them.

Abide, as it has come to rest in my soul, means allowing myself be changed slowly in the presence of God – because slowly is really the only way growth happens for me.

It is a dance of both rest and growth. Of remaining and stepping out.

It is about choosing only the next right thing to do instead of worrying about the next one hundred.

For me, to Abide is to live in the knowledge, acceptance, and embrace of Acts 17:28 – It is to live, and move, and have my being in the Eternal. In the Love of Christ. In the moving of the Holy Spirit.

Sometimes this Abiding comes effortlessly and sometimes it is tooth and nails.

Sometimes when the list is too long, the obstacles too many, the request too frequent, and the end too far away, I find myself living in a constant state of panic and fear and anxiety. And this is natural. It is understandable. It is even earned. But there is no joy in remaining there. In digging a hole of fear and worry and burying myself in it.

This is when there comes a moment when I know the choice is mine.

To answer the call or to stay in my hole.

The call that comes, whispering at me in the middle of the night, in the middle of a brushstrokes, as I am driving around a curve in the middle of the day is this: Abide.

It is the call to leave the safety of what I know – the worry, and stress, and fear and to instead live as if I really believe what I say I believe.

It is the call to honor that deep knowing inside myself – the knowing that lives below any logic or tangible proof, that rest right below my final rib bone on the left side of my chest – that knowing  that I really do live and move, and have my being in that amazing gift of grace, and mercy, that comes from the Eternal center of light, and wholeness, and that it has nothing to do with my ability to control a situation or to solve a problem – and everything to do with endless, boundless, love.

For me Abiding means letting go and going all at once.

It is letting go of what I want so I can go where I am called.

And always, beautifully, miraculously, when I arrive, I find that they were the same thing all along.

And so today – amidst chaos and questions and choices – I am remembering my word. I am singing my song. I am letting go and going all at once.

Selah.