I am not ashamed of my period, but I am sure this will cost me my dantiness in some of your eyes (well okay, perhaps only one eye or two.) At least it would have cost me in 195- fill in the blank. I am pretty sure y’all can handle one more soap box rant from me. I promise this will be the last one. For this month. Probably.
This is the thing. I am not a menstrating goddess. I do not have dramatic, oversized paintings of the female reproductive system hanging in my house. I think that if I had a daughter I wouldn’t do some big eleborate ‘welcome to the princess club’ bruhaha. I would buy her lots of chocolate, call in sick for her to school,teach her the beauty of heating pads, warn her off of gas producing foods and stay home from work to watch sappy movies together on the very worst days. But only on an as-needed basis. And only because I would most likely be on my period also. Apparently my ovaries are BIG followers. They like to find a lead Ovaries to fall in line with and copycat. I have been known to synch up with my sisters, my best friends and my coworkers.
But as much as I am not performing menustrating purification dances around the fire of sisterhood, I am also not a shrinking violet about all of this.
Here is the deal. Once a month, before my period starts, the following things happen in some sort of order over about four days.
I am so exhausted that I come home from work and sleep like the dead for hours. Its’ the best sleep I get all month. I pity the fool who stands between me and my bed when this hits.
I am suddenly hungry enough to swear I am pregnant with triplets. Often I have a huge craving for a steak or cheeseburger. And by craving I mean FEED ME ONE OR DIE.
I start dropping things and bumping into things.It is if all the furniture in our house has shifted left 1 inch and my fingers have lost their gripi-ness.
I simultaneously want to cry, eat, sleep and shop. NOW.
Occasionally I also lose the ability to hear. I have to ask everyone to repeat what they said three times. As you can imagine I am very popular during this phase.