In this post here by Jess I am reminded of all the things that I “should on myself” about.
How in my low moments I get lost in what “I should have done” or “Should have said” or even “Should have felt.” But those things are mostly, 99% bogus. They all flow out of the struggle between Me and My Ideal Self.
Have you met her? Let me introduce her to you then. My Ideal Self homeschools her kids and loves it. She also takes them to the park and to lessons. My ideal self likes to hike and garden. She can afford all organic products because she knows how to pinch her pennies ’till Lincoln screams. She doesn’t work, well maybe a little. But only as an artist in a very vague way and it never interferes with her home life. She enjoys reading to her children for hours on end. She doesn’t overeat or overspend. She likes to exercise and she gets pedicures. Her house is always clean. Even the baseboards. And she never minds anything. She can just go with the flow, never frustrated or anxious or tired.
She sounds lovely doesn’t she? Well she is who I thought I would be when I grew up. When Nathan and I decided to start a family 7 years ago, this is what I thought my life, and I in it, would be like. Boy was I wrong. Let me pause here and say that if you do do those things I listed above and you like them, and maybe even love them, and they come naturally to you, then hurrah for you, and I mean it. I don’t hold it against you one bit. Be who you are and be proud, but here is the the truth about me; The truth is that I don’t homeschool cause I think I would claw my eyes out. I am tired a lot, probably because I stay up too late. I do overspend and overeat too often. I hate to hike and I hate to garden. Sometimes I fall asleep reading to my kids. Sometimes I suggest the TV instead. And we never go to the park. Ever. That is what grandparents and school is for, right? I don’t clean my baseboards much, and I do get very anxious, especially about once a month. But the biggest shocker of all?
I do need to work, and I do like it mostly. I don’t like having to, but I hope that I am past the point of being petulant about it and can just enjoy that I get to do something that I love. How many people can say that? Cause the truth is even if I didn’t “have to” work I probably still would somehow…I would need something to filll that creative and entrepreneurial space in me, to push me beyond my comfort zone. I like working. And I am not ashamed. There I said it.
It has been a rocky road to be able to admit all these things out loud – to you and to myself. Letting go of Her has not been easy and at times been very humbling. But the truth is I am a lot freer without her looking over my shoulder all the time. Without her shadow always behind me. Being who I am, authentically, is a daily process. One that I am growing in more and more. And hopefully one without a lot of should-ing on myself.